I now so appreciate the beauty of the digital footprint in that I am so easily able to go back to older posts and read what I wrote and reflect on those to only now have new thoughts about old topics. While it’s still January, I wanted to go back and address last year’s fears, write my new fears, as well as reflect on the year that was 2017 for myself. Let’s go!
Addressing 2017 New Year’s Fears
- I’m scared that CS 110 will destroy me/make me feel insecure about my abilities to be a competent software engineer (much like CS 107 made me feel). I still find myself oftentimes paralyzed from starting CS assignments because they seem so daunting. It’s never much of a problem once I get knee-deep in, but the feet have to go in first. It’s also not a pleasant feeling for the deadline to be like a flame under your bottom. I’ll admit that CS 110 did destroy me. I was constantly in office hours (with no fellow peers for that matter) feeling like I was stabbing the problem to death without making any headway. It definitely lived up to my rather lowly expectations, but on a related note, I think CS 110 was just a band aid I needed to rip off in order to realize what I can do. From CS 110, I moved onto more application-based classes, a third internship, and 2 classes that were way outside of my comfort zone. In said 2 classes, I found myself being excited for the parts where I get to code and being excited to see what I develop. I’ve come such a long way from the abyss that was 110.
- I’m really excited for 2 of my classes for the winter, a filmmaking class and a UX design class. These are areas I am semi-serious about pursuing, and there is a fear that they won’t pan out to be what I expect and I’ll be back in square 1 of “what the hell am I doing with my life?” UX Design was a wonderful space to explore the field and I definitely don’t regret taking it. But the hours of straining my neck over the small computer screen to make sure everything is pixel perfect drove me a little nuts rather than keeping me excited. Nonetheless, I absolutely loved my filmmaking class. I had a wonderful group with a wonderful idea, and this passion has carried over to my career aspirations. So… no, I’m most definitely not back at square 1!
- I’m scared I won’t be in an important position for an organization I’m involved in, and I’m scared that if I am in that position, that I won’t meet my goals and get a lot of hate for it. Hmm, I don’t quite remember what I meant by this, but I did end up taking a back seat from organizations for the first half of this year. I learned that this was actually the healthiest decision for me as I found myself still helping out my organizations in ways that I knew I could be of help rather than doing it out of obligation. I think this helped me relearn my interpretation of doing things that I like versus I need. Ultimately, in a very non-graduate manner, I ended up rejoining an organization that I had joined my freshmen year–primarily because I believe in this leadership and I’m excited to give back to the freshmen and the community that has had such a huge impact on me in my 4 years.
- I’m scared that my family will continue to adamantly refuse my relationship. I’m telling myself to give it time, but it’s brought a lot of tears and heartaches tbh… I’m tearing up right now even writing that. I wish they could see the potential of good and happiness it brings into my life rather than the list of differences in background that amount to how communication will be terrible in the long run. This is definitely still an incredibly hard conversation that has not been passed yet. Each conversation brings tears, but I do think we’ve taken baby steps to better understanding one another. Most of the time, we just don’t talk about it, which I think is fine given the emotional exhaustion it stirs up.
- I’m scared that I have too high of expectations for my internship this summer after having had an amazing experience in NYC summer 2016. I definitely wouldn’t say this was my favorite internship, BUT it did force me to grow in very different ways from my previous 2 internships. I was given a lot more freedom and independence to make decisions and I was given ambiguous problems to find very specific solutions for. I think I not only grew my technical skills, but I grew my ability to be an engaging part of the team, putting out my ideas and constantly asking for feedback. I would say that I am most proud of my growth from this internship.
- I’m scared that I will continue to body shame myself. On top of that, I’m scared that I will be motivated for vanity reasons rather than longevity and health reasons. I’m learning to love myself with the support of many of my loved ones. My theme for 2018 is actually focusing on health in all its forms: physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, and environmental. I want to be stronger and more confident, which are both physical and mental goals that are complementary and not at odds.
- I’m scared that as a grad student in the fall, I will feel lonelier than ever. I am definitely more alone but I think I have grown to be more of my own person with my own agenda.
- I’m scared that I will fail at managing money lol. lol always a work in progress!
- I’m scared that I will never feel comfortable enough to voice my own political opinions on social media for fear of being not well-read enough. I’ve learned that the most I can say is based on my own personal experiences, and those experiences are what are most valuable and unique to put out. End of last year, I wrote a blog post talking about my name, and I got an overwhelming response to this from friends. Friends opened up telling me that they actually never say my name (which I ironically didn’t even notice), they told me that they have similar experiences, they validated and affirmed me in so many ways that I wouldn’t have even fathomed.
2018 New Year’s Fears
- I’m scared for all the changes up ahead: from leaving a place I called home for 4+ years to needing to relearn how to socialize and find my own community.
- I’m scared that in my first time ever doing research, that I won’t be able to deliver because the guidelines are so loose.
- I’m scared that I won’t be able to make the best use of my time not in school/work. The general idea right now is to travel, but who knows if 1) it’ll pan out and 2) if it’ll actually add value to my life outside of having cool photos for Instagram.
- I’m still scared that I won’t learn to fully accept my body for how it is! It’s a constant battle, and I want to slowly develop healthy habits for the longevity and health of my body, which is a gift from God.
- I’m definitely scared that my internship won’t live up to my internal hype because everyone knows how excited I am, but I still feel this need to keep myself in check and be realistic.
- I’m scared about the potential LDR that will be a reality by the end of 2018.
- I’m scared that I’ll just be a big mouth talking about all the terrible things happening in this world and not actually take action! ~time to mobilize~
- Still scared about not being able to manage money. Send help pls.
My 2017 Recap
meant to celebrate my successes, however big or small!
- Created wayy more video content than ever! a rush video, an intro video for freshmen, and 2 videos for personal exploration of classical music
- I got an offer to the internship of my ~dreams~ and secured my full-time opportunity for 2018.
- Overcame my fear of driving
- Developed a joy for coding
- Learned handlettering
- Grew distant from friends and learned that it’s OK
- Joined a summer orchestra and remembered that joy of being in a musical community
- Went to GHC and felt empowered & so inspired
- Last but not least, I graduated from the school of my wildest dreams.