New Year. 2017. As if it’s something we never experience. New Year’s resolutions were never my thing, but I’ve been in a place where I am trying so hard to reflect but nothing is coming out of it. I’ve wondered, is this just me being complacent and being too comfortable with life passing by? Does this mean I’m not being ambitious anymore, or am I stuck in fear?
I’ve always been an avid follower of Wong Fu, and I even had the pleasure of meeting them when they came to Stanford a year and a half ago for the screening of their movie Everything Before Us. Phil Wang has also been an inspiration to me in the way that he is so thoughtful, both figuratively and literally. He is thoughtful in the sense that he is very kind and thinks of others, but he is literally full of thoughts. I dunno, is it too crazy of me to think that there are moments in life when you find yourself resonating with someone you have very little to no connection with?
Anyway, Phil just uploaded this video about New Year’s Resolutions. He presents the challenge of actually writing down our fears and looking back on them at the end of 2017 to see how those fears panned out. Honestly, I think this is a brilliant idea because the hope is that we can look back on those 12 months and find ourselves empowered in having been able to move past those fears. He said it’s a personal thing and we don’t need to publicize, but I see this as a time to be brutally honest with myself about my fears. Man, they have never been consolidated all into a list, so here goes nothing:
My 2017 Fears
- I’m scared that CS 110 will destroy me/make me feel insecure about my abilities to be a competent software engineer (much like CS 107 made me feel). I still find myself oftentimes paralyzed from starting CS assignments because they seem so daunting. It’s never much of a problem once I get knee-deep in, but the feet have to go in first. It’s also not a pleasant feeling for the deadline to be like a flame under your bottom.
- I’m really excited for 2 of my classes for the winter, a filmmaking class and a UX design class. These are areas I am semi-serious about pursuing, and there is a fear that they won’t pan out to be what I expect and I’ll be back in square 1 of “what the hell am I doing with my life?”
- I’m scared I won’t be in an important position for an organization I’m involved in, and I’m scared that if I am in that position, that I won’t meet my goals and get a lot of hate for it.
- I’m scared that my family will continue to adamantly refuse my relationship. I’m telling myself to give it time, but it’s brought a lot of tears and heartaches tbh… I’m tearing up right now even writing that. I wish they could see the potential of good and happiness it brings into my life rather than the list of differences in background that amount to how communication will be terrible in the long run.
- I’m scared that I have too high of expectations for my internship this summer after having had an amazing experience in NYC summer 2016.
- I’m scared that I will continue to body shame myself. On top of that, I’m scared that I will be motivated for vanity reasons rather than longevity and health reasons.
- I’m scared that as a grad student in the fall, I will feel lonelier than ever.
- I’m scared that I will fail at managing money lol.
- I’m scared that I will never feel comfortable enough to voice my own political opinions on social media for fear of being not well-read enough.
- Along the same lines, I’m scared that I will continue to be unable to stand up for my beliefs and opinions, especially the unpopular ones.
That’s it for now 🙂