insecurity, so slowly but surely consuming and destructive

When I opened my 3rd semester transcript yesterday morning, I thought back to my first semester and how it showed me, for the first time in my life, what it felt like to have to show something less-than-perfect to stand for my ability and effort. It terrified me to see the gap between what a paper could say about me and the abilities and experience I know I have, and to know that that paper might be the only thing that gets to speak for me. Not that my non-straight-A first semester transcript was a hit to my own pride or spoke into my self-worth, because I’m fortunate enough to see otherwise. However, it pained me to know that I would be evaluated as less intelligent, less capable, and less (whatever necessary and admirable quality) for something as insignificant as a PCIP app. (Which I eventually got and it was the lamest experience ever HAHA. But that’s just my own PCIP and Erinna and Gloria and I laugh about it and it’s great!!) But the fact that this doesn’t really impact how I see myself but makes me worried about how others perceive me is really a strange predicament to be in; there’s very little I have to adjust in terms of defining my own self-worth, and there’s no way I can adjust how others decide to take whatever represents me on paper.

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insecurity, so slowly but surely consuming and destructive

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