Have you ever felt… so fragile even though you know nothing is going to physically break like a porcelain vase? Have you ever felt that you have created this lovely balance in your world…but then it turns out that it all feels fabricated, fake, and it is only a matter of time before everything falls into chaos? You were seriously fine a day ago, even a few hours ago. You appreciated so many things in life, you thanked God for putting you on this world to experience such beauty, wonderful friends, and those silver linings. What even happened? What caused you to all of a sudden find your hands shaking? When you look at your hands, they’re not actually shaking, but you feel the nervous tension in them as you write these words, and you feel that nervous energy reverberate through your body and infect your mind?
How can everything look so beautiful in one moment and then switch off? Why does everything look so bleak? It really shouldn’t! You’ve had so many good things happen to you, you literally received good news a few hours ago, and yet you are here shaking and trembling, worried about the future, worried about the smallest things.
There are so many things I want to accomplish. I want to help people. I want to work towards goals that are way bigger than myself. I don’t want to let people down, the people who have continuously supported and vouched for me. The people who have encouraged me to not despair and lose hope. The people who always proclaim that they knew I could do it. But what if I fail? I know I need to come from a state of empowerment. I need to walk into the hall, the room, and have that attitude of hey, I’ve done everything I could, now it’s just time for me to be myself and you should want me. But it’s so hard to do that. Especially when years and years of practice, learning, and training have left me to feel like a cog in a huge wheel, a dot in a huge system. Why would they want me? Why should they? I don’t necessarily feel like I’ve given it my all. I want to give it my all, and I am giving it my all given my circumstances. But would they understand? These circumstances I brought onto myself technically, so I need to take responsibility for these decisions I’ve made.
I was told to not despair and take the road less traveled. I was so inspired by that statement two months ago. Its magic hasn’t left me. I’m still in awe. But why do I allow myself to retreat in fear of the future? Why am I so so worried about failure and why do I feel so vulnerable?! It drives me nuts.
What’s even worse… I know that I have loving people in my life, and I know that I have people in my life who care so much about me and only want what is best for me… Yet why do I feel like I can’t turn to any of them? The catharsis of feeling I get, I feel guilty to plant upon my friends and family. They have their own shit to worry about, who the heck am I to put my personal worries onto them? Why do my problems and issues matter more than their own? They really don’t. And even if I do tell them, does that solve the actual problem? I hesitate so much, I think I have a switch that forces all my worries away and plasters a smile on my face when I see everyone. I hesitate… to allow myself to be vulnerable to people. While I love every single person in my life, I am sad that I’ve become incredibly jaded. I can’t help but see people with their own agendas, their own selfish motives, and their own misconceptions. How did I get to this point of almost having trust issues? There isn’t really anyone I can turn to comfortably in my life, and I’ve become so accustomed to this state of being alone.
This is maybe just a stage, just a small angsty moment in my life. That is also why I hesitate to say anything. There are risks to letting this out online. But it becomes so tiring to have to be mindful of others’ perspectives, and maybe I myself need to be selfish right now. Where is the peace and quiet that I need? It is one of those moments when time needs to stop. Now.